Can only move up from here!

Blogging has been on my mind, but my time has been stretched to new limits these days. I hit a low point about 2 weeks ago. I don't know if it was school, or the kids, or maybe a combination of them both, but for the first time in a long time i hit rock bottom. I have to address the fact that many times through this journey of motherhood so far i have had women tell me i'm "supermom" or they don't know how i do it, blah blah blah. It's nice and all, but to be honest, they do not know my struggles. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry, and i don't confide in alot of people, but i can assure you that my husband and some of my closest friends and family know about my meltdowns, my breakdowns, and even at times my depression.

I have always taken alot on my plate. It's my way of staying busy, i guess its my way of feeling confident: to be doing many things at once. As soon as i joined the military, i signed up for school. Before i had kids i worked full time, went to school part time, and worked out ALL the time. So when Noah came it was only natural to keep up the crazy pace. I didn't even bat an eye when i found out i was pregnant with belle. I told myself, piece of cake, of course i can still do school, run, hang out with friends, invest time in my marriage and be there for my kids. BOY was i wrong. I have had such a HARD time adjusting to 2 kiddos. And i know being in my second block of the Special Education teaching program at my school, and getting ready to graduate in a year doesn't help much. So with all that said, 2 weeks ago, it was a meltdown of the century.

I finally came to terms with myself that i CANT do it all. And it is ok sometimes to walk away. It is ok to say no. I can be my HARDEST critic sometimes. So with my plate full of things, and my shoulders weighed down to the ground, i knew i had to let something go. I've already practically gave up exercising, so i decided to stop nursing. It KILLS me to even say this, but i have to to come to terms with it. I know women who lie about nursing because they feel so guilty, or make a million excuses as to why they stopped, so i am going to try not to make any excuses and just say it was for selfish reasons. With being gone 8+ hours a day at school and taking care of the house, noah, George, and Belle, i just could not keep up. I KNOW there are women with more kids and that do more and still nurse and are AMAZING in my eyes, but for me, i could not do it anymore.

I felt like there was nothing left of myself to give. I give it all up everyday and i cant keep driving myself into the ground. So i have decided NOT to feel guilty about it, and not to beat myself up for it, and instead realize that the reason i breastfed Noah for 10 mos was because i wasn't in school full time. And i didnt have another baby to take care of either. I am still a HUGE breastfeeding advocate and will always feel that breast is best, but for me right now i have to walk away from it. Besides the fact that i have the swine flu (i'll save that for another pity me post) i have felt a million times better since i've lightened my load. I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel for this semester and it makes me SO happy to see that Belle is still so happy and thriving despite my selfish decision. With all that said, i'm looking forward to warmer weather because we have a few projects up our sleeve! One which is HUGE and will be finished at the end of the month! :) Cant wait to share some pics!

Need to thrift soon!

It's been too long since i've hit my favorite thrift stores. Granted i have my share of projects to finish around here, i did hang a cute little hook rack by our back door that i bought at Goodwill weeks ago, but thrifting is therapuetic to me. I love to just walk around, and find potential in people's junk lol. I've been so consumed with the kids and school lately that the only time i've left the house to take the kids on a walk or to school. As i sit here with my big glass of wine and reading my evening newspaper, i mean blogs, i found 2 things that i el-oh-vee-E!

THIS vanity! Stop right now. Drooling. I've been having nightly dreams about a little charm like this on my side of our bedroom. I know the time will come when i will get my hands on one to re-do myself. But until then, this one will meet me in my dreams.

And i LOVE this mirror! It reminds me so much of my little yellow gem i have hanging in our entry way. It just makes me smile. I'm obsessed with mirrors right now, and actually have another one in my garage, but no idea what color or where i'm going to put it. It will get some lovin soon, dont you worry.

P.S Chalkboard globes are no joke. My lil devil is taking FOREVER to finish. But it will no doubtfully look adorable in Noah's room when i'm done!

2 things

In between my crazy classes and assignments this semester i have found time to indulge my creativty in 2 things:

First off, this mirror that i scored at the Goodwill while i was pregnant for $8! I didnt start stripping it and sanding it till December, so it took awhile but it is finally done!

BEFORE

AFTER

George chose the color and i added the little wood detail on top. They sell those at Lowe's to add on furniture and i just love it!

And then there is this necklace i made. I got the tutorial here and it reminded me SO much of my friend Kristie whose birthday is right around the corner. I love getting handmade gifts and made a little pact to myself to give more handmore gifts because i feel they are from the heart. Here's how her's turned out! She loved it!

Of course i have many other projects lying around here, but next week i start my observation hours again, so we'll see if i get to tackle any. Middle school here i come!

Misinformed

Apparently i was under the impression that after having my second kid and going to school full time i would have free time. I guess i missed the memo that said, "Your lucky if you get to shower, eat, or sleep." Sooooo i should probably stop reading and looking at all these amazing blogs i follow, because all i do is make my bookmark list longer and fall even deeper in a slump at the thought that i will never get to work on anything again. As of right now this is what my current projects look like to date:

This is a huge mirror i scored at a thrift store for $6 back when i was PREGNANT with Belle. Yes Ma'am, it's taken me that long to even get to this point of priming it. It did have 2 thick coats of ugly paint that i had to strip and then sand of course. But it's been sitting in the garage waiting to be painted for about 3 weeks now. At first i blamed it on the fact that i didn't know what color i wanted to paint it. Then i went to my personal "David Bromstad" (aka George), and he immediately said a dark yellow. I stared at him in complete awe and it was in that moment i knew i made a good choice in marrying him. So this weekend #1 on my to-do list is to go to Lowes and get my paint dammit, i can't wait to see this bad boy in our entry way.

And this my friends is my SECOND project. This is where it is sitting AS I TYPE. It's a chalkboard globe. I've been wanting to do one of these for Noah for awhile now, so when i saw this globe at my weekly Goodwill visit i just had to snatch it up. I'm excited about this for 2 reasons: 1. Noah is going to love it, and 2. i get to use it in one of my school assignments this semester. I will feel like such a cool cat that i had a creative little gem like this hiding in my house :)

And these next 2 pictures is the reason why my homework waits till the last minute to be done, and why my projects sit for weeks on end waiting for me. Because a sleepy lil girl needs me and a crazy lil man. Yes i know it's a bit blurry, but i had to capture the fact that his underwear is tucked into his shirt.

Renovating

Let's keep this short and sweet. I had about a paragraph written and decided to delete and just say this:

I miss cheese. I miss it alot.

AND.....

i'm renovating this blog. I need a new look. And since our picture was one that felt like decades ago when we only had one munchkin running around, i thought i should update. I couldn't decide if i wanted to do something nostalgic like this:

In case you dont know what this is, it's Pensacola, FL. The place where all the magic happened, where George tried to woo me and i turned him down countless times. I'm totally joking. That is where we met, fell in love and spent almost every weekend and night after school.

OR.....

should i wait till i find an incredibly cute, nauseating picture of my adorable children and then make that my heading? All i know is, it has to be magnificent.

Twenty-Eleven

I am SO looking forward to this year. Not that anything in particular is happening, i just feel like we are finally starting to enjoy our lives here in Georgia. This past year George got out of the Marines and was able to get a job that he not only LOVES, but worked very hard to secure. Before then we had no idea if we would be staying here or if he would be re-enlisting which would mean we would have to move. Everyday Augusta feels more and more like home and i cant complain because this place has really grown on me.

I have made many different New Year's Resolutions, but i hate calling them resolutions and would rather think of them as a list of things i would like to check off this year. Of course there are the usual, "Loose the baby weight", "Eat healthier", and "Finish the half marathon i am registered for"; but what about the ones we dont really say out loud? The ones we keep in our minds and hope we can accomplish. For me i would have to say it would be to be more patient with my kids. Particularly Noah because Belle isnt old enough yet to know which of my buttons to push. And as funny as it sounds my 2nd would be to be nicer to George. Dont get me wrong i am a real sweetheart most the time, but being a Mama of 2 has really taken it's toll on me and by the time George gets home i just dont want to be bothered. Lastly, i would LOVE to blog more. I really do love to write, almost as much as i love reading blogs, and i think it would be nice to fall into some sort of routine with writing. I know i'm not the best with grammar and spelling, but it's refreshing to pour out my thoughts and let my creative juices flow.

Speaking of creative juices, i was afraid after having Belle i wouldnt want to continue my projects around the house, but let me tell you, they are back! :) I already have SO many different things to work on and i have George on board for a few. I am going to leave you now with 2 pictures that i couldnt resist posting. One is of my gorgeous girl that i took recently and cant help but starring at. I know i'm her mom so i'm a little biased, but as the days go on i feel like we're growing to know eachother alot more. Yes even moms have to get to know their kids, what they like and dont like, and i have to say she is really growing on me. :) The other picture is a project i saw sometime last year and have been dying to try myself. I think i will start on it this weekend.

Happy New Year!

Bah Humbug!

That is EXACTLY how i have felt this holiday season. After Belle's birth everything seemed to be off to a great start so i really dont know where it all fell apart. I think it might have started with Noah's difficult behavior due to all the changes. So many people have asked how he is adjusting and if he is having a hard time with the new baby, and i really cant say whether or not his behavior is linked to Belle. His behavior started a few weeks BEFORE i had belle, and it could just be your typical 2 1/2 year old "i want to be in charge" phase, but it is EXHAUSTING. You tell him "no", he smiles and will do whatever it is again, you ask him to do something, he deliberately does not do it. So it's pretty much been a 12 to 14 hour day of constantly staying on him because Lord knows we dont want to lose the reins as parents right now. He'll be walking all over us by the time he's 16!

George and I both have made a point to give Noah and overabundance of attention because the first thing we heard was that he would be jealous of the attention Belle gets. Well maybe it was too much, because now i feel bad for not spending as much time with Belle. My time now has to be divided in so many directions and it just gets SO exhausting. Even if i'm lucky enough to get 6 hours of sleep, which is rare, i'm still so worn down. I do have to say that this second time around i am MUCH more patient and trying to enjoy it all as much as i can. I know a year will go by in a blink and Belle will sleeping in her own room all night, Noah will be even more independent, and i will long for a little baby in my arms again; but until then i want to have the freedom to be a scrooge!

Christmas has come up SO DANG fast that i feel like i havent even been able to enjoy this season, much less the holiday coffees at Starbucks! I want to push a pause button for a second, take a long shower, decorate the way i want instead of throwing everything out, and cuddle with my love to watch some Christmas movies. But this season i'm lucky if i even get out of my pajamas and i even did ALL my shopping online. How boring huh? Basically what i'm trying to say is life with 2 little ones close in age is BUSY and i just dont have time to pencil Christmas in this year!!

I just wanted to let everyone know i am alive (barely), and i will be amazed if i actually pull off Christmas dinner this year. With 2011 right around the corner there is so much to look forward to, but so much more to be thankful for. Hopefully i will be back to my old self in no time flat, Lord knows i miss running and the pile of projects i have for the house just keeps getting bigger. Here's to a new year and all it has to offer. At this point, nothing surprises me and i am just hanging on for the ride!

Merry Christmas!